“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
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a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects