Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
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she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
blocked.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
i made a craigslist ad !
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again