IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
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My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza