It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
yea so i messed up lol
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’ve had relationships like this
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
at ease…shoulder.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
When I snag the last meatball.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.