It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Lol
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”