I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
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So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My five year plan is a meteorite