It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
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A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”