Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
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Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Okay
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
🤣could you imagine
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”