It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
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My dress code is business-casualty.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
so this horse walks into a bar
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch