It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
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Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.