It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
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What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”