It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
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[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]