It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
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twitter users today:
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
That’s not how days work.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
wut hotdog?
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.