@crunchenhanced: It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
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@AliceGolightly_: Me: You've dimmed the lights already, aren't we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
@PeachCoffin: I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
@stephenjmolloy: College: You're a very bright kid and we'd like to offer you a scholarship. Ian: I'd prefer a scholarcar. College: We'd like to withdraw our offer.
@slaughthie: Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz "you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari" which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best