It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
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If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Saturday
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
At least my masseuse has my back.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal