It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
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There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.