I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
bears
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*