@Brianhopecomedy: It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.
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@hythemafia: Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
@ChrisStokdyk: Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, "My God, I look like a pillow" ? If so, that's not a mirror - it's your pillow.