@Brianhopecomedy: It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.
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@MacAnnabella: Me: "Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor." 3yo: "You're welcome Mom, look at this!"*scatters more on floor I deserve that.
@TheTweetOfGod: Justin Bieber's home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
@thepunningman: Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts Me: Ask that horse if you don't believe me Interviewer: What horse?
@internetluke: [police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife] "Why no pants on?" We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell