It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
You Might Also Like
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Everyone’s family
My wedding will be open casket.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.