It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
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I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.