@TheDailyEdge: Jeb Bush: "The Pope should not discuss climate change because he's not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife's gynecologist"

@JasonLastname: On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

@moose_chocolate: "7 minutes in heaven" but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.

@theresa_lauren: "Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on

@GrantTanaka: [wife comes out wearing pretty dress] me: that's my favorite dress wife: aww, how swee- m: take it off w: but we need to- m: I wanna wear it