@TheDailyEdge: Jeb Bush: "The Pope should not discuss climate change because he's not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife's gynecologist"
@JasonLastname: On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
@moose_chocolate: "7 minutes in heaven" but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.
@theresa_lauren: "Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on
@GrantTanaka: [wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that's my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
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