It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
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Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.