It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
From Facebook just now…
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Worst Native American name ever.
Dear Lord..
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
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Me: Same
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Just a phase…
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?