It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
The little toadstool has spoken.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!