It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.