It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
You Might Also Like
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Goat cheese is for herders.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete