It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
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Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.