It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
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I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons