@vineyille: It says here on your resume that you're "good at traps," could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
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@KentWGraham: Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
@shutupmikeginn: I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, "mind if I join?"
@BubblesnBooze: Hubs: You're home all day, why isn't the house clean? Me: You're at work all day, why aren't we rich? Hubs: Touché
@ThaJawn: Give me that! You're going to hurt yourself! *takes toy *hurts self with toy 4: Hahahaha