It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Imma just leave this here…………
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.