It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
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Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
get you a girl who
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
This raises questions
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
More like Kate Missington.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe