@Tom_Vom: It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.
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@daemonic3: [grocery store] Ok, milk... Check! Eggs... Check! Tomatoes... Check! "Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?"
@NakedHangover: What I learned in college: 1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
@JermHimselfish: Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
@TheMichaelRock: *catches 4yo putting on deodorant* Me: What are you doing? 4yo: Feeding my armpits. Me....as you were.