*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
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bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
#dalle2
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.