listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
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9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.