It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
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I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly