“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
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The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?