It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
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[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket