Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
You Might Also Like
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
just got my engagement photos
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *