when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
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“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I’m not stressed
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.