[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
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I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Good point.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”