@Heart_choo: It takes a car 30 years to become vintage. It takes a phone 30 days.
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@TheSharona06: [Divorce court] Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce. Judge: He was cheating? Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
@atDevin: What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven? If you guessed "Heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you're wrong. The answer was "Nun of the Above".
@LoveNLunchmeat: When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.