It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
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i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
this chia pet tastes awful
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Thursday
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”