Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
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Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
…żyje?
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me :
All Day At Night
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.