@revenge_tanukis: It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
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@FilthyRichmond: Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you'll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
@nonsensetwit: My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying "try again bro."
@ArfMeasures: [Bar] HER: I want to have sex so badly ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
@MisterBombay: I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly