@revenge_tanukis: It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: I can’t run as fast as everybody else. Me: Why not? 3-year-old: I don’t have enough feet.
@OutrageousM: "What's a good gift for someone who has everything?" Meth. Next year they'll have nothing it'll be easier.
@WorkaholicBlake: There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable