It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
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Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
There is no “we” in pizza
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door