@lifecoachfit: It takes a village to raise a child so I dropped the kids off at my neighbors house with a note: "your turn"
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@OutOfLeftField_: Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days? Me: I think that's a myth. Friend: No it's definitely a butterfly.
@PeaceInTruth1: A car gets better traction in the snow if you throw a couple of coworkers in the trunk.
@EndhooS: Wife: He's just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused Psychiatrist: Is this true? Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
@AntiSemanticShw: I think the hardest part about being a cashier is telling the girl buying 3 pregnancy tests to "Have a nice day"