It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
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Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.