It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
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13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”