It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
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[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?