It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
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13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.