It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
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My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.