Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
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Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Labreador
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Guys, I found it.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.