it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
“We will wed,” I threatened
I can also cook 😂
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
next question.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.