It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??