It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.