It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
You Might Also Like
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Well, this is awkward
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT